The Spot on the Carpet Award this week goes to Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House of the United States House of Representatives. Because, ah heck, why not? Maybe he didn't mess on the carpet (we don't have proof he did) but it could still happen. Maybe we should make Newt Gingrich prove that he didn't poop on the carpet. Yeah, I like that and I mean that. I'm not saying that Newton isn't a captivating American persona or that he wouldn't be a great guy to have a couple of beers with, but I give it like 3 to 2 odds that there will be a "wet clean up in aisle five" before the Republican Presidential Primaries are over. Gingrich is so much fun, because he's such an Alpha Henry (Ass Hole). Plus, his name is really fun to say. So, what's all this stuff with Newt Gingrich anyway? He was an up and coming Republican contender from 1979 to 1999 but then quit and ran off chasing dollar bills. He likes to found stuff, like the Conservative Opportunity Society (1983) and lots and lots of other stuff. He must be a vampire, as he is always busy creating new Republican political stuff and then creating more stuff. Even his wife, Callista Gingrich, creates stuff like books and movies, and she plans to personally get some more cranky conservatives into the Lame Stream Media business. Herself included! Book them a studio, American Conservative Television with Calli at the helm will restore the appropriate Gingrich principles in the American People. Why am I suddenly thinking about how many pairs of shoes Emelda Marcos had when the Marcos controlled the Phillipines. Har! I marvel at the guy. It takes a lot of work, effort and practice to be a pain in the ass on the level of Newtie. I became quite fascinated with him and started looking him up. The whole ethics violation thing had Newtie got all hot and going on in some college course he was teaching and then all the little Newties went and started making televisions shows about God knows what. Actually, I think it would have been "Republican knows what" as they went too far on that. And they had their little take-over-the-world Republican television thing and set up as a 501(c)(3) or some similar non-profit, probably religious. But making television ten or 15 years ago was an expensive proposition. The big problem came from spending money donated to the non-profit on activities that were more political than religious. Vote Republic and often, Gingrich replied. Then became a like a multi-year beat down on poor little Newton, as he was investigated and he appealed, and the darn thing wound out over time. The former Speaker was not convicted of any crimes, mind you. Please be well assured of that. But it pretty much did him in politically. Off to be a corporate mercenary -- power and influence traded for money. Then there's the high quality (or "weird-assed" if you rather) books and movies Newt and Callista make. Yeah, it's this odd little tripped out Republican money bomb politics thing. A good candidate pounds his message into the people. A good candidate might pound on his opponent's record, mistakes, or lack of experience. Newt Gingrich just pounds the table. Have you ever known someone like him? Someone ready to argue and fight on a moment's notice? The worst mistake you can make is to play their game. It's a psych out technique. The oldest trick in the book. Like grabbing someone's tie while you yell at them. You drop to their level and they win. Newt can sling mud and trashy rhetoric out to media before his first sip of morning coffee. The line in the song is "Chopping up issues like they's fire wood, Newt-a-tude..."
The Lyrics to the Song
Ladies and Gentle Minds
Mister Speaker
Read about him in the Daily News
Chopping up issues like they's fire wood
it's a newt-a-tude, yeah, newt-a-tude
They say he only wants a job at Fox News anyway ...
(Spoken Part)
Jumping all around in his brand new shoes
jumping all around making front page news
it's a newt-a-tude, newt-a-tude
Very complicated bit of song writing on that one. Peace on, party out, I'm about out of Newt Jokes. So time to sign off.
He has such a fun name. Do you think he chirps like a newt too? He seems like a real sincere and motivated guy. Har!
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